i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize