I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
