i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
