My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
