dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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