I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
