i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
