Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
