Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
