just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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