So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
