Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
