Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
