NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
