He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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