got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Randomize
