i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
