I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
