you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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