Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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