my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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