I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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