Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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