He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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