her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
