I can tuck mytits in my pants
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
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