I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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