Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
