Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
