I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
