well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
