why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
