my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
