he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
