His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
