I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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