around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
