i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize