i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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