Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
