She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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