I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
