I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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