If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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