Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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