Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
