I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
