I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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