i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
50% drunk capacity currently
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
