Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
