my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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