If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
3pm strippers are depressing
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
