i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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