A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
