maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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