He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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