just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
